Not all sunshine - is it?

 

What happens when the sunshine in your life suddenly goes out and it's replaced with nothing but a dark storm cloud raining in your mind every waking moment?

Whether we want to admit it or not -- there are times when we get the black dog coming to visit. It's not welcome, of course. After all who wants to admit they've got depression right? It's supposed to be a sign of weakness to be down and not have a way out of it -- no matter what we try.

Oh - how wrong we are.

I have depression and it sucks. It's there with me constantly. I wake up and bang I'm wondering why the hell I'm existing at all. I'm just one of the millions globally that have the brain telling me I'm sad, down and not wanting to live one more day in paradise. I'm still here. Why? I got help and I had a friend help me get back on track - thanks to a horse named Charli Jay.

Here is my story and I warn you now it's raw, it hurts and it needs to be written.

It started when my mum Pamela got ill suddenly on New Year's Day 2019. Her heart was failing, her quality of life was zero and her mind was being stolen away by dementia. I had the medical power of attorney. It was a responsibility mum asked me to take on - even though I didn't want to. I have five other siblings that could have signed the papers but it was me that got the responsibility.

Sitting for hours in the hospital on New Year's Day instead of celebrating 2019, the doctor came in and asked me to sit down. The bottom line was - mum at 86, with multiple health conditions, was not going to survive. When mum first got told she had the onset of dementia we talked about her decision if her quality of life was no longer of any quality. She told me she wanted a DNR (do not resuscitate) order placed when the time came. That night it came - I signed my mother's effective death warrant. She lingered for nine long days I couldn't bring myself to go back to the hospital. My family though made sure mum was never alone and they did understand why I found it so hard. I didn't want to see mum die in front of my eyes. That was the first trigger on the downward spiral towards letting the black dog in through the door.

We buried mum in with dad and then the issue of the farm had to be dealt with. The pressure came on from my family then. Mum and I had always agreed the farm would be subdivided. My son was living up in mum's big house at the top of the farm and was now alone. He was also on his own silent downward spiral towards one hell of a crash. More on that after.

For most of 2019, all was quiet. Then the bomb went off. Suddenly I was told a surveyor was coming, no time allowed to process that at all. The farm was half mine and yet I might as well have been a tenant on my own property. For almost an entire year I was railroaded, told what I could and could not do in my own home by my own siblings. I was close to a breakdown by September. Endless demands and when I was finally sent the proposed subdivision plan basically I had lost most of my grazing. 

At first, I thought I could handle it - no. It got to a point when I said how it was after listening to my farm being run down by my own family. Being told it wasn't worth anything. My speaking up and saying how upset I was and how railroaded I felt changed the situation. It also meant I ended up with a debt I didn't want and two homes. A huge adjustment for my son and me.

All the change though had a terrible price to pay. It was a price - beyond words. Beyond anything that can be said. My son started to self-harm and then overdosed. It was more than once and on the fifth overdose, I requested for him to be put into secure care. I felt terrible - but seeing him bleeding down his arms and legs from cutting himself with glass and out of it from a huge overdose of medications (yes several) left me with no option.

It's the hardest thing to ever do to your own child. Having them locked up as if they are in prison. Hearing day after day the same depressing story - no hope, no reason to want to live and 'I just want to die mum.'

Hell, it hurts to the very depths of your very being. So much so - I was close to joining him in that secure unit. It was my eldest daughter (a psychologist) who told me I had to stop taking on the responsibility fo my now-adult son and let go - she was right. I let go - I had to. I was tired of crying, tired of being tired and tired of being so down - life was on automatic. 

Thanks to a close friend refusing to give up on me - I stayed out of a secure unit and alive.

She encouraged me to get a horse, back into my life and that was Charli Jay. Now I have two horses and two more responsibilities to take care of. They're an everyday commitment. I have to take care of them and I have to feed them and ensure their welfare needs are met. It started me back on the road to recovery. I'm now in contact with a therapist and I'm facing the things I've left and left until I'm so sick of them I'm now clearing them up.

Now I'm committed to making a huge garden named Aniwaniwa (Rainbow). I'm doing it for me - so I can share it with others who have experienced depression and just need somewhere with colour to go to. I won't be stopped now I've started. I've gained immense strength from all I've been through. I had just two words written down each day in my diary - KEEP GOING.

If you're feeling down - reach out to someone - don't try going it alone. It's not a good road to take. Kia kaha - arohanui. Don't give up - ever - no matter what your brain tries telling you - say I'm worth it!

In the end I got help from a psycho-therapist